21 Days of Transformation – Days 1 and 2
NB: I am going to come in and out of past and present as I edit this for the blog as I will put in things I remember as I look back but I don’t want to take away from the purity of the experience as much of these words were written from being in it.
On day 1 I experienced just how much I craved and needed comfort and how much pleasure I sourced from food.
Now I am so focussed on my body and paying such close attention to it, I have started to experience the sensation of suffocation coming from the sacral and base chakra. I crave intently to drink in the flow of prana from these energy centres but they feel closed to the flow of life which feels so uncomfortable and even moreso that I am aware of it.
When I deny my body from food it starts to desire sexual pleasure. I did some research into this and apparently when there is less need for the body to be digesting food, it starts to send the unused blood cells from digestion to the sexual organs. I’m no health professional so I can’t say for sure but this definitely makes sense and feels right to me. I actually feel there is a bit more happening here that meets the eye, only the future can say for sure.
I am currently researching yoga postures and doing meditations focussing on opening up these areas. Surprisingly this early in the piece I observe increased clarity and more energy. I feel motivated. I feel more open to the divine and I see the mind as the bridge between these two worlds and how some foods affect my body by causing the bridge to become blocked or misdirected.
The desire to eat is definitely still there, especially when the kids are eating a (super delicious) pizza I made for them. But my desire to be free from the unhealthy food relationship is stronger and I won’t lose sight of that. I am focussing on achieving my goal whenever desire arises and luckily – it passes quickly.
So far this morning I still feel the same amount of increased energy. A small part of me wanted to try fasting for a bit today but I am aware of a habit I have of pushing myself and it’s only day two. In honour of my body I am sticking to my plan.
I have noticed a clearing out of my lungs, much gunk is coming out which has started just this morning. This is not accompanied by any sickness. I wouldn’t even say I have a cough although I am coughing here and there it feels like its just to clear out what is there.
I am aware this journey will take me to doing things I wouldn’t normally do. Things I would usually say I have no time for or thoughts I would normally shut down. I have a knowing within me to be open to anything and everything that arises. To follow all paths and listen very closely to my heart and to Spirit. They are my counsellors on this journey, they are guiding me through and closer to me than ever before.
I usually go for walks along the beach. Today as I walked I felt guided to experience my body without sight. I came upon a long log and I closed my eyes and balanced along it. The first time I kept opening my eyes because I didn’t trust. The second I was rushing to get to the other side. The third I opened my eyes to see if I was there yet as I didn’t trust I would know when I was. I almost gave up after this. But on the last try, I decided to surrender. To feel my body. To go slow and take in all my other senses. I felt the calm ocean on the inside of my body, the prana flowing within and without. My feet were sensing their next steps and my arms instinctively knew what to do to balance. When I reached the end, a smile of knowing was on my face. This was an important lesson for me in surrendering and trusting. I thoroughly enjoyed my return walk along the beach with my eyes closed, tuning into the sensations my feet felt. It was interesting how I jumped when I walked on a stick. This was a physical manifestation of my fear of the unknown. I closed my eyes again and held trust that I was safe, the sticks and -different terrain no longer bothered me, I just took it all in, observing, trusting and surrendering. What magic to be apart of!
I am holding the experience of hunger today and gratefully and lovingly invite it in. I am sitting with it. Knowing this week is my potato week and I can choose to eat whenever I like, I am now choosing to observe hunger. I have discovered a fear of famine, a fear of death from not eating. I mostly am observing a need for pleasure. That is what this mind craves from food, pleasure. So I ask myself, where else can I seek pleasure? Do I even need pleasure? After watching the youtube video of Ray Moar (Breatharian), I have started talking to my body and to my DNA. I am asking my body to release more pleasure hormones which interestingly enough seems to quash any feelings of hunger. It isn’t lasting very long at the moment but it is an interesting experience nonetheless.
I observe feelings of fear of failure which often comes up in my space. I read a beautiful quote today about a warrior going into battle against fear. She respectfully asked fear if she could battle it, to which it thanked her for her respect towards it. She asked it how to defeat it. Fear replied to not listen to it. To respect it, to hear it but not listen. It has no power when it isn’t listened to and actioned.
My body started to experience weakness. I appreciate this will also be a physical response to lack of food however I presently choose to look at it as a sensation to be observed. When I sit with it and observe it I can feel strength on the other side. But the weakness at the moment feels too real to properly access the strength from within. [As a side note here I wanted to add that I did eat after making these observations. It was a very important part of this process to make sure I was honouring and respecting the body. I also was living my life as normal – a single homeschooling parent trying to build a business, so functioning normally was also quite essential.]
I also notice that I have more time as I usually fill my void with mindless picking at snacks. It is putting me in a position of reflecting on what brings me joy. What does my body want to do? I suddenly got the urge to paint in a ceremonious way. (many things I do I usually do ceremoniously so this was nothing too strange for me). I brushed up against the walls of my mind during this reflection. The walls saying “I couldn’t be bothered getting everything out and packing it all back up again.” What a strange thought to block me like that? As I checked in with myself, I didn’t feel tired. I had the strength to everything. There was nothing actually stopping me. It definitely shows me the power of thought and how I subconsciously block myself from happiness and doing the things I want to do. So in answer to that thought I am going to make sure I most definitely do create time today to paint, do it in ceremony and invite my kids to paint with me. I am bringing my inner rebel to the surface to rebel against my mind when it blocks my flow.
There was so much that came from this painting experience, I am genuinely excited and can’t wait to share day three with you all!