Fear

It’s an untapped power.

 

I hear it. In my mind, the echos of patterns that are deeply ingrained in my being. To be afraid. Back down. Run away. Make myself smaller. Doubt myself. Be small. Fit in. Don’t try. Give up. This isn’t going to work. Don’t bother. My body writhes, it shrinks and hides. It seeks shelter in something safe. A friend, my bed, a movie, four walls. It hides inside the role of motherhood, the role of friend, the role of cook and cleaner. It allows time to gently wash over my being, protecting me from failure, from pain and heartache. Never changing. Stable and secure.

And time rolls on.

From deep within an inner desire pulls at me, tugging me away from safety. Gnawing at me to leave my roles and pursue life. Guiding me into opportunity. The essence of my self shows the contrast in my inner landscape. It shows me my shadows. It shows me the depth of my being. It shows me I can be, do and have more. But then it shows me my fear. It speaks no words but I know that it wants me to go through it. It wants me to see fear. To know it. To use it. The message is clear, the only way forward is through.

The moon pulls at the tides, they are at its mercy. There is nothing they can do but surrender, accepting this is the very nature of their being. It’s what gives them power. It’s what makes them simultaneously fierce and gentle. And so it is for me. My inner self pulls at my life’s direction. Facing ever due inward and never steering away, even though the other layers of myself rise up in resistance to this power within, they do not want to change! Fear rises up and speaks. And what a voice! So loud and commanding. It not only speaks but it feels. Fear is as big as a person within me. Fear feels real.

And so I am two. Both freedom and fear. Living inside the skin of one. Sometimes I lament freedom for its unrelenting nagging to keep going. Sometimes I lament fear for incessant nagging to stop. And so I, torn between two, grieve. The tears of grief birth the self into oneness. The tears shed a layer I never knew existed. They show me how two sides make one thing whole.

As my sense of freedom grows stronger, it does not necessarily make the fear weaker. It makes fear feel less like an enemy and more like a friend. I hear fear speak and I am grateful for this friend within me who can pass me a dumbell and say, “here is this, now lift it up and grow stronger”. So every time I hear, “don’t try” it is my friend, fear saying “are you going to use this to grow stronger? Do you know yourself enough to neither fight nor be conquered by me but to use me?

I dance with with both strength and weakness. I dance with freedom and fear. I am neither and I am both.

We tread together this path of the unknown. The ever changing. The path that is rocky and unstable. It is without walls. It is filled with adventure. With pleasure and pain. This path is leading me to myself. On my journey I find my passions, my joy, my strength.

With fear, I find myself.

 

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